( She really likes her cocoa, which is his thought as he strides in past her, electricity coursing through his knuckles. He flexes his fingers, having held this in for longer than he'd intended. It's a journey going from the person who tells people nothing and the person who knows he had to find someone to tell everyone. It looks like Emma is his Ethan. He turns back, trying to decide how he's going to describe it. )
Derek's here. Again. He was here before, but he's here - now. Today. And yesterday.
[ it's not easy, going from keeping things bottled up to allowing yourself to confide in another person. Emma understands that better than Jackson might realize, which is why she's quick to settle down on the couch and to offer him the seat beside her. if he needs to talk, she's more than willing to listen.]
They sent him home and brought him back? It happens. It just - let's rewind, what does it mean for you?
I don't care about what he wants. What do you want?
[ once they figure that out, they can work from there. but the other guy doesn't get priority just because he's expecting something from Jackson. it doesn't work that way for her.]
I don't know. I don't want to be under anyone's thumb, but being a lone Beta isn't safe. Being Pack means he'd watch my back. Pack is like family.
( He stops short of giving her the entire rundown. Family is something he has back home and he's gotten better at recognizing it and maintaining it. But, family also implies trust and he's not sure he trusts Derek. He fucked up his first time he made Betas. And two out of the four of them died. But there isn't an alpha pack here and -- well, he's dating a former member. He's not usually in his head but it's complicated and that's what his eyes convey, too. )
[ look, she understands that being a werelizard where he's from is different than what she's seen Ruby go through. she isn't going to claim to understand most of it, but doing it because he feels he's without other options isn't the best reason to trust someone. in her opinion, it's one of the worst.
he could probably dig a little deeper than that. it's practical, and he doesn't know all the ways she could protect him - but she would, without hesitation. without him needing to feel like he's under someone's thumb.]
( There's also the hand job. And the chemistry he didn't expect. )
It's worth considering.
( He thinks. )
He wasn't - when he first bit me - I made him. I told you the bite affected me differently. Derek and his betas hunted me. Derek and his brother killed me.
[ to be fair, Regina's tried to kill her before, too. but it's different, being the person who was targeted and hearing about it from someone else - someone who's just a kid himself. she doesn't like where this is going.]
They had to. I was going to transform into something worse, and I may never have returned.
( But they still killed him. )
I rose up a full-werewolf after, and I reluctantly let Derek teach me 'how to werewolf' before I moved. ( And he was stubborn, and had compartmentalized everything. ) What happened to me isn't his fault.
Emma, I don't have anyone here. Not like Ethan. Ethan was more than a boyfriend. He was Pack. You and Bellamy, you're nice and I let you treat me like this kid brother but I'm not your family.
( With Kyle it's all too close. It burned brightly, but it's hard. Hard to maintain and to keep and to let go. )
she tenses visibly at the explanation, nodding her understanding since words would either come out defensive or hurt, and that's more vulnerability than she's willing to let anyone see when he's already shut her down. but after a moment, after seemingly let the words sink in, she continues.
I don't know if it's best for me, or if it's going to take me back to a darker place I left behind.
( He's not lost to her reaction. He's not heartless. He doesn't mean to hurt her. None of this is about her, or about Bellamy. How does he come out and say that they are like his family. That they've become like his family. That he cares. )
I don't know anything here. I haven't fulfilled my contract, any contract, only my quota. And that's with someone who could get me arrested. I - I don't know how to do any of this, Emma. You - you are, okay. You're like family, but if I let myself think of you like family -- I'm not always a good person. ( He's spiraling as he tries to come up with the proper words. ) I need to get a better - foothold. I need -- ( He just shakes his head slowly, back and forth, not really knowing what it is he needs. Or what he needs to say, or what he can say. )
You think I'm always a good person? Jackson, when I was your age, I was just released from prison.
[ it's a long, painful story. more importantly, it's hers, when she thinks they need to focus on what he's going through right now. but the point stands - whatever they've offered him, it isn't dependent on him being a good person. she and Bellamy have both had moments where they were anything but.]
You have time to find a contract, and as far as quota - is this a designation thing?
When Bellamy and I contracted, I had a thing going with another dominant. We were pretty public about it, and aside from a few disapproving stares, no one ever stepped in.
[ maybe it's more than he wanted to know, but it shows what the city prioritizes here.]
It's okay. [ and it is. it would be even if he meant what he said. he's not obligated to care about her just because she decided to care about him. everyone's just trying to get by here.]
I know that sometimes when people reach out, it's not what you want, or what you can handle.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-11-22 02:04 am (UTC)Derek's here. Again. He was here before, but he's here - now. Today. And yesterday.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-25 05:22 am (UTC)They sent him home and brought him back? It happens. It just - let's rewind, what does it mean for you?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-26 04:05 pm (UTC)It means that, he's from before he loses the spark that makes him an Alpha. By definition, I'm his Beta again. Which he wants.
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Date: 2019-12-01 06:47 pm (UTC)[ once they figure that out, they can work from there. but the other guy doesn't get priority just because he's expecting something from Jackson. it doesn't work that way for her.]
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Date: 2019-12-03 02:11 am (UTC)( He stops short of giving her the entire rundown. Family is something he has back home and he's gotten better at recognizing it and maintaining it. But, family also implies trust and he's not sure he trusts Derek. He fucked up his first time he made Betas. And two out of the four of them died. But there isn't an alpha pack here and -- well, he's dating a former member. He's not usually in his head but it's complicated and that's what his eyes convey, too. )
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:01 am (UTC)[ look, she understands that being a werelizard where he's from is different than what she's seen Ruby go through. she isn't going to claim to understand most of it, but doing it because he feels he's without other options isn't the best reason to trust someone. in her opinion, it's one of the worst.
he could probably dig a little deeper than that. it's practical, and he doesn't know all the ways she could protect him - but she would, without hesitation. without him needing to feel like he's under someone's thumb.]
Is that all he has going for him?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:10 am (UTC)( There's also the hand job. And the chemistry he didn't expect. )
It's worth considering.
( He thinks. )
He wasn't - when he first bit me - I made him. I told you the bite affected me differently. Derek and his betas hunted me. Derek and his brother killed me.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:22 am (UTC)[ to be fair, Regina's tried to kill her before, too. but it's different, being the person who was targeted and hearing about it from someone else - someone who's just a kid himself. she doesn't like where this is going.]
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Date: 2019-12-03 04:26 am (UTC)( But they still killed him. )
I rose up a full-werewolf after, and I reluctantly let Derek teach me 'how to werewolf' before I moved. ( And he was stubborn, and had compartmentalized everything. ) What happened to me isn't his fault.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:29 am (UTC)[ family sure as hell doesn't kill each other. even if they come close sometimes.]
Help me understand. Why do you really want to do this?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:35 am (UTC)( With Kyle it's all too close. It burned brightly, but it's hard. Hard to maintain and to keep and to let go. )
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:41 am (UTC)she tenses visibly at the explanation, nodding her understanding since words would either come out defensive or hurt, and that's more vulnerability than she's willing to let anyone see when he's already shut her down. but after a moment, after seemingly let the words sink in, she continues.
it's fine. not like he's family to her, either.]
Then I guess you have to do what's best for you.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:59 am (UTC)( He's not lost to her reaction. He's not heartless. He doesn't mean to hurt her. None of this is about her, or about Bellamy. How does he come out and say that they are like his family. That they've become like his family. That he cares. )
I don't know anything here. I haven't fulfilled my contract, any contract, only my quota. And that's with someone who could get me arrested. I - I don't know how to do any of this, Emma. You - you are, okay. You're like family, but if I let myself think of you like family -- I'm not always a good person. ( He's spiraling as he tries to come up with the proper words. ) I need to get a better - foothold. I need -- ( He just shakes his head slowly, back and forth, not really knowing what it is he needs. Or what he needs to say, or what he can say. )
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Date: 2019-12-03 05:32 am (UTC)[ it's a long, painful story. more importantly, it's hers, when she thinks they need to focus on what he's going through right now. but the point stands - whatever they've offered him, it isn't dependent on him being a good person. she and Bellamy have both had moments where they were anything but.]
You have time to find a contract, and as far as quota - is this a designation thing?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:34 am (UTC)( Dominants. )
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Date: 2019-12-03 05:38 am (UTC)[ maybe it's more than he wanted to know, but it shows what the city prioritizes here.]
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Date: 2019-12-03 05:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:42 am (UTC)[ she's seen people get citations for publicly being with another person of their designation, but not as often as he might expect.]
If you're with someone of your designation, I think what they want is for you to be discreet about it, and to be willing to sign a contract.
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Date: 2019-12-03 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:51 am (UTC)[ and be careful about what he agrees to in public.]
You'll need to sign a contract, but you have time. Bellamy's initial three months were almost up when he asked me. It happens.
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Date: 2019-12-03 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:05 am (UTC)I know that sometimes when people reach out, it's not what you want, or what you can handle.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:07 am (UTC)[ or, knowing Jackson - who says it did?]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
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