Emma, I don't have anyone here. Not like Ethan. Ethan was more than a boyfriend. He was Pack. You and Bellamy, you're nice and I let you treat me like this kid brother but I'm not your family.
( With Kyle it's all too close. It burned brightly, but it's hard. Hard to maintain and to keep and to let go. )
she tenses visibly at the explanation, nodding her understanding since words would either come out defensive or hurt, and that's more vulnerability than she's willing to let anyone see when he's already shut her down. but after a moment, after seemingly let the words sink in, she continues.
I don't know if it's best for me, or if it's going to take me back to a darker place I left behind.
( He's not lost to her reaction. He's not heartless. He doesn't mean to hurt her. None of this is about her, or about Bellamy. How does he come out and say that they are like his family. That they've become like his family. That he cares. )
I don't know anything here. I haven't fulfilled my contract, any contract, only my quota. And that's with someone who could get me arrested. I - I don't know how to do any of this, Emma. You - you are, okay. You're like family, but if I let myself think of you like family -- I'm not always a good person. ( He's spiraling as he tries to come up with the proper words. ) I need to get a better - foothold. I need -- ( He just shakes his head slowly, back and forth, not really knowing what it is he needs. Or what he needs to say, or what he can say. )
You think I'm always a good person? Jackson, when I was your age, I was just released from prison.
[ it's a long, painful story. more importantly, it's hers, when she thinks they need to focus on what he's going through right now. but the point stands - whatever they've offered him, it isn't dependent on him being a good person. she and Bellamy have both had moments where they were anything but.]
You have time to find a contract, and as far as quota - is this a designation thing?
When Bellamy and I contracted, I had a thing going with another dominant. We were pretty public about it, and aside from a few disapproving stares, no one ever stepped in.
[ maybe it's more than he wanted to know, but it shows what the city prioritizes here.]
It's okay. [ and it is. it would be even if he meant what he said. he's not obligated to care about her just because she decided to care about him. everyone's just trying to get by here.]
I know that sometimes when people reach out, it's not what you want, or what you can handle.
You'll get your shit together. Just try to remember, you have people. You don't need this guy. And if you join his pack, if you decide that's what's best for you...don't do it because you have to.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:29 am (UTC)[ family sure as hell doesn't kill each other. even if they come close sometimes.]
Help me understand. Why do you really want to do this?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:35 am (UTC)( With Kyle it's all too close. It burned brightly, but it's hard. Hard to maintain and to keep and to let go. )
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:41 am (UTC)she tenses visibly at the explanation, nodding her understanding since words would either come out defensive or hurt, and that's more vulnerability than she's willing to let anyone see when he's already shut her down. but after a moment, after seemingly let the words sink in, she continues.
it's fine. not like he's family to her, either.]
Then I guess you have to do what's best for you.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 04:59 am (UTC)( He's not lost to her reaction. He's not heartless. He doesn't mean to hurt her. None of this is about her, or about Bellamy. How does he come out and say that they are like his family. That they've become like his family. That he cares. )
I don't know anything here. I haven't fulfilled my contract, any contract, only my quota. And that's with someone who could get me arrested. I - I don't know how to do any of this, Emma. You - you are, okay. You're like family, but if I let myself think of you like family -- I'm not always a good person. ( He's spiraling as he tries to come up with the proper words. ) I need to get a better - foothold. I need -- ( He just shakes his head slowly, back and forth, not really knowing what it is he needs. Or what he needs to say, or what he can say. )
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:32 am (UTC)[ it's a long, painful story. more importantly, it's hers, when she thinks they need to focus on what he's going through right now. but the point stands - whatever they've offered him, it isn't dependent on him being a good person. she and Bellamy have both had moments where they were anything but.]
You have time to find a contract, and as far as quota - is this a designation thing?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:34 am (UTC)( Dominants. )
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:38 am (UTC)[ maybe it's more than he wanted to know, but it shows what the city prioritizes here.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:42 am (UTC)[ she's seen people get citations for publicly being with another person of their designation, but not as often as he might expect.]
If you're with someone of your designation, I think what they want is for you to be discreet about it, and to be willing to sign a contract.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 05:51 am (UTC)[ and be careful about what he agrees to in public.]
You'll need to sign a contract, but you have time. Bellamy's initial three months were almost up when he asked me. It happens.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:05 am (UTC)I know that sometimes when people reach out, it's not what you want, or what you can handle.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:07 am (UTC)[ or, knowing Jackson - who says it did?]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:21 am (UTC)[ she could be done there, but - ]
You'll get your shit together. Just try to remember, you have people. You don't need this guy. And if you join his pack, if you decide that's what's best for you...don't do it because you have to.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 06:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 04:58 am (UTC)Want me to make popcorn?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-04 05:00 am (UTC)( He lets her get up to fret in the kitchen before he calls out. )
Emma. ( And he turns, an arm along the back of the couch. ) Thank you.